The Church of Astletarianism

The 7 Holy Commandments of Astley

1. Thou must always know “The Rules”
2. A man shall under no circumstance give up those important to him. This shall also constitute as letting them down.
3. The path of a “circle” should never be traveled.
4. Deserters of any form of any kind will be damned in the next life.
5. In any circumstance man shall make no attempt to make others cry tears of sorrow.
6. Truth shall be regarded as the highest law of the physical world.
7. The Just deserve no punishment.

Genesis

In the beginning Astley found love and created the heavens and the earth. On the first day he created creepy darkness and his trench coat. On the second day he created brick and mortar, and crafted the brick wall and the streets. On the third, he lost his love and wept uncontrollably, creating the rain. And in his loneliness created the shirtless bartender. On the fourth he noticed man was sopping wet, and gave him a dwelling, the planet earth and more specifically the empty bar, which shall he dubbed shall forever remain empty save for himself and other shirtless bartenders. On the Fifth day his weeping stopped but in that remembrance he created the clouds for the rain to fall from. On the Sixth day he gave the world his only 7 laws to abide by. On the Seventh day, the Sabbath, he put on his trench coat once more and went out to the bar and in his inebriation gave the world “music.” As he sang, the shirtless bartenders danced about merrily in the empty bars and this was to be known as happiness.

Hymn 1: The Sounds of World’s Creation

We’re no strangers to love 
You know the rules and so do I 
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of 
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy 
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling 
Gotta make you understand 

CHORUS 
Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down 
Never gonna run around and desert you 
Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye 
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 
We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it 
And if you ask me how I’m feeling 
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see (CHORUS

CHORUSCHORUS 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 

We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Exodus

The breathtaking melody attracted the nearby women and again, Astley found love. That night he sang his song again and the woman, so enrapt with his voice, fell in love with Astley. In turn Astley did as well, and they remained this way for some time. Astley learned in time that love is a harsh mistress. One day after coming home from the bar he found his woman in bed with another man. He was bald of hair and a moor. The man introduced himself as Charles Barkley. He claimed himself a warrior of a great battle in a far of land, and the originator of the “Chaos Dunk.” He boasted that he used a technique called the chaos dunk to wipe out all life and defeat his enemy with only seconds left to spare on the clock. Enraged Astley cast both Barkley and the woman out of his home never to return, for their terrible deed. During this, Barkley fell down Astley’s stairs. Astley claimed that it his divine karma that caused Barkley to fall so far after being cast out. He from then ordered the decree that all women would from that point on be known as “Groupies.” In his reoccurring loneliness Astley then cried out in a song of Sorrow:

Hymn 2: The Song of Sorrow

We’re no strangers to love 
You know the rules and so do I 
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of 
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy 
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling 
Gotta make you understand 

CHORUS 
Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down 
Never gonna run around and desert you 
Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye 
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 
We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it 
And if you ask me how I’m feeling 
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see (CHORUS

CHORUSCHORUS 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 

We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Leviticus

Time passed and Astley’s wounded heart healed. He was comforted by his shirtless bartender friends during the hard times and knew that they genuinely cared for him. In their love he found himself and deemed that all man was, in his essence, created good. During this time he created he performed gleefully for all the people whom came to the bar and he said that he loved them all. Years went by, all this time Astley was alone, but content. People would come from far and wide to hear him sing his songs. Barkley however, was still jealous of Rick Astley and had not forgiven him for casting him out of his home and karmically making him fall from hi stairs. In his jealousy and hatred Barkley started to lie to people on the internet and would tell them that a link to a web page like the great and revered Google or funny pictures or gifs when it was actually a link to one of Astley’s songs. Upon finding out the truth about Barkley’s deceit, the internet people would become angry, and did the same to other people they knew. This vile act spread across the world. It became so commonplace that people began to laugh upon being “Rick Roll’d”. When Astley learned of this act he became enraged.. The next day he went out and spoke to the people. He exclaimed that the world was created good, except for that groupie and Barkley. Barkley’s seed of hatred and sin had spread and infected the many. For this, Astley said that in order for the world to be forgiven their sins must be purged. By this he meant that the world would have to be flooded and washed away. He realized that he would still need people to live and animals to live after this purge. With his great and infinite wisdom and all-seeing eye he searched the land for the man most pure of heart. This man was named William Cosby. One day he went to William and told him that he needed to save mankind for him. William replied to please call him Bill and that he would do Astley’s bidding Zippity-Zop. Astley ordered Bill to build a large boat to weather the flood. After that he would be asked that gather up two of the bartenders from every bar in the world and take them aboard his boat. Bill did his bidding and on the appointed day, Astley began to make pudding. He made so much pudding that it flooded the world and all of the evil people who “Rick Roll’d” others were purged, and their sins forgiven. It flooded pudding for 8 days straight. As he mixed the pudding together he sang a song of forgiveness.

Hymn 3: Song of Forgiveness

We’re no strangers to love 
You know the rules and so do I 
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of 
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy 
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling 
Gotta make you understand 

CHORUS 
Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down 
Never gonna run around and desert you 
Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye 
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 
We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it 
And if you ask me how I’m feeling 
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see (CHORUS

CHORUSCHORUS 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 

We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Donatello

When Bill Emerged from the boat there was chocolate pudding everywhere, but there were people nowhere. After letting the bartenders off of the boat, he looked up to the sky and asked Astley what he should do from that point on. Astley told him to travel the world and make sure the bartenders are safe. Bill herded the bartenders together and set off Northward, where they eventually found the city of Detroit. There the land was fertile and the bars were plenty and would give the bartenders much work. Bill made his home there and lived out the rest of his days. As time went on the bartenders made a living in Detroit, but a Powerful King got hold of this land and started to force the bartenders to build a giant monument in his honor. The monument was in the shape of the symbol of his Kingdom, a [Insert Year and Car Model Here]The bartenders were forced to leave their bars for days on end to lift and carry giant bricks to build the monument. Astley received many prayers for help, and in sympathy choose a small bartender by the name of Eddie Murphy. Murphy, a young boy loved by many for his wonderful personality. As he grew older he was called by Astley to help save the bartenders from the rule of the hateful king. On the day of his 21st birthday, he approached the Kings Palace. He was greeted by a stern looking man who was the general of the King’s army. His name was General Motors. The general originally denied Murphy’s request to see the king, but Murphy grew up to be a compassionate man, and just laughed. Murphy was blessed with a special laugh as a child that could make anyone smile. Upon hearing Murphy’s laugh General Motors laughed in unison and allowed Murphy to see the king. When Murphy entered the audience of the king, he was taken aback. The great King was none other than Charles Barkley himself. Barkley was surrounded by women on ever side. Murphy remembered reading in the Book of Astley as a child that Barkley was a terrible man who loved groupies. Murphy spoke out and asked him about his evil ways. Barkley laughed and looked at all the women to left and then his right. He looked down at Murphy. “Boy, I think there is something you should know about me and groupies.” He stood up and approached young Murphy “I don’t love dem hoes.” Barkley started to approach Muphy and then asked him of his business. Murphy said that he was ordered by Astley to ask Barkley to let his people go. Barkley laughed again and said he would do no such thing. He then ordered the guards to throw out little Murphy and then took all of General Motors money and kicked him out of the palace as well. That night Murphy prayed to Astley, because of Barkley’s refusal. Astley heard his prayer and told him to go back and let the king know that he may be a king, but if he did not let the bartenders go, that the Lord would come. The next day Murphy delivered a letter to Barkley. Barkley read the letter which said that if the bartenders were not let go, Astley would make a plague befall the people of his kingdom. Barkley laughed and threw the letter away and said that the bartenders were to work the next day with no rest.

Michaelangelo

The next night Astley spoke with Murphy and told him to mark a “swoosh” on all the doors of the bartenders. Astley decreed that he only need one plague to change the king’s mind. He said he would make a plague befall Barkley’s people that would force their firstborns to be rouge of hair and freckle of face. He did Astley’s bidding and put a swoosh on all the bartenders doors. That night, a spirit visited every house and turned the family’s first born into rouge of hair and freckle of face. The next day, the Knig’s court was in outrage. The people thought their children were diseased, or their soul’s had been taken from them. The King then sent his guards to find Murphy and brought him to the castle. He asked him to make Astley turn everyone back, to which Murphy replied, that he would speak a word to Astley until his people were set free. The King said that he would let everyone go free the next day if they awoke and everyone’s firstborn’s hair was back to its original color and every lest freckle was removed from their faces. That night Murphy spoke to Astley. Astley was a compassionate God and removed the red hair and freckles. The next day, the bartenders set out on a land for their own, free from the oppressive king’s rules. As they were leaving, they saw behind them the King and his army charging forward. Barkley said that he could never let them go, and was determined to take them back and force them to work. Murphy’s people were trapped with the Snookie Sea to their front and the King to their back. At that moment Murphy prayed to Astley and asked him for a way to escape, to which Astley told him to part the Sea. Murphy waded out into the sea and and called out. “Oh great Snookie Sea please aide me and op-“ at that moment the waters receded and parted. Murphy hurried the bartenders to cross the sea as King Barkley approached. As he himself was crossing over the sea the king was catching up. “Oh great Astley, please make the sea close” he called out as he ran. And like clockwork, the sea behind him swallowed up the army, horses and all. People could be seen flailing in the water as Murphy made it to the other side safely. Barkley called out as he flailed through the waters “We were brothers Murphy!” To this Murphy gave a puzzled look and then turned around. “What an absolutely blessed day it is” and he laughed his special laugh. That day his people sang of Eddie Murphy and Rick Astley

Hymn 4: Song of Celebration

Celebrate good times, come on
(Let’s celebrate)
Celebrate good times, come on
(Let’s celebrate)
There’s a party goin’ on right here
A celebration to last throughout the years
So bring your good times
And your laughter too
We gonna celebrate your party with y-

At this moment when the people began to celebrate and sing a lightning bolt from the heavens came down and destroyed a nearby tree, setting it ablaze. This was no doubt a sign from Astley himself. At that moment the people, in fear, began to sing the true celebration song.

Hymn 5: Song of Celebration [revised]

We’re no strangers to love 
You know the rules and so do I 
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of 
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy 
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling 
Gotta make you understand 

CHORUS 
Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down 
Never gonna run around and desert you 
Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye 
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 
We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it 
And if you ask me how I’m feeling 
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see (CHORUS

CHORUSCHORUS 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 

We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

Leonardo

With their freedom, the bartenders called on their new hero, Murphy as to what they do next. Murphy said that he felt it was his mission to lead them through the Arizona desert for 40 years according to the book of Astley. The bartenders vehemently disagreed with such action. One called out from the crowd “Fuck that..” Murphy was unbending in his devotion and so decided to go the desert alone. His body was never found. The rest of the bartenders settled and created a small town where they could be free from oppressive rule.

Raphael

Years passed and the bartenders prospered. They developed a large tourist city called “Las Vegas” which translated to “Screw the Desert” in their native tongue. It was during this time that the Romans had begun amassing their kingdom and saw fit to attack and take over the city of Las Vegas under their rule as well. They did so peacefully however, only asking for a small tax from the bartenders. They were presented with another option of having their families murdered and village burned to the ground. The bartenders were a smart people and choose the first option with little opposition. Later a new king rose into power and decreed that Astletarianism was forbidden in all of this kingdom. The people of Las Vegas were outraged, but were forced to stop all public worship of their God, Astley, for fear of being destroyed. Astley looked down from heaven and was angered. He decided to appoint a new hero for the people, but could find no suitable man to carry on his will. And in a selfless act, impregnated the holiest and most beautiful virgin by the name of Kate Upton. Upon the baby’s birth in the back seat of a Pinto, 3 Homeless men came Upton offering gifts of newspaper, pennies, and a small beanie. They said that her child was special and marked the return of Astley to defeat the king. Months later Upton named the child “Rick Astley” in honor of her immaculate conception and to give praise to her lord of the same name.

Bebop & Rock Steady

Young Rick group up a proper boy and in secret praised Astley. As he grew up he learned that he had the power to heal the sick and walk on water and all that cool stuff like laser vision. He began to preach the word of Astley across the land despite the King’s rules. He said that people should be able to learn about their one true creator and no man should be able to stop them. He traveled around and performing miracles in Astley’s name. He gained a large following and even a secret Astletarian group doubling as the US’s 1992 Mens Olympic Basketball “Dream” Team. On their final dinner together at the Golden Corral, Astley called his basketball players close to him and spoke calmly, “I want all of you to know that I thank you for all you’ve done and that no matter what you do that I forgive you, and love you” he then looked at all the men in the group. “One of you will deny me, and another will betray me. At this point it is unavoidable, but I want you to know even knowing that, I love you. I will not name any names.” At that moment Charles Barkley’s cellphone rang and he excused himself to take a call.. “I don’t have much time but I just wanted to tell you to please continue to spread the teaching of Astley even after I’m go-“ That moment a swat team of Romans burst through the windows demanding everyone to get on the floor. They looked around for Rick Astley, and upon finding him took them out of the restaurant. Scotty Pippen, so overcome with sadness grabbed onto Astley’s leg, One of the swat members looked back and struck Pippen with his foot and then pulled out his sword “Are you with Astley here? I have orders to kill all accomplices involved in hiding him” Pippen looked about for a moment and then into the eyes of Rick Astley, being hauled off. “No, I’m not.” As they guards left Pippen looked at his teammates who stared angrily back at him. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, I know it was me.” That night the whole team wept and sang songs of sorrow in the name of their lord, except Charles Barkley. Barkley Sang another song:

Hymn 6: Barkley’s Song

Everybody get up, it’s time to slam now
We got a real jam goin’ down
Welcome to the Space Jam
Here’s your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam, alright

Come on and slam and welcome to the jam
Come on and slam, if you wanna jam

Hey you, watchagonna do
Hey you, watcha gonna do
Hey you, watcha gonna do
Hey you, watcha gonna do

Party people in the house, let’s go
It’s your boy, ‘Jayski’ a’ight so
Pass that thing and watch me flex
Behind my back, you know what’s next

To the jam, all in your face
Wassup, just feel the bass
Drop it, rock it, down the room
Shake it, quake it, space Kaboom

Just work that body, work that body
Make sure you don’t hurt no body
Get wild and lose your mind
Take this thing into over-time

Hey DJ, turn it up
New CD, goin’ burn it up
C’mon y’all get on the floor
So hey, let’s go a’ight

Everybody get up, it’s time to slam now
We got a real jam goin’ down
Welcome to the Space Jam
Here’s your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam, alright

Wave your hands in the air if you feel fine
We’re gonna take it into overtime
Welcome to the Space Jam
Here’s your chance, do your dance at the Space Jam

Finale Schminale

The following week, Rick Astley was sentenced to be publically executed. He was placed in a single room with glass windows for all to see. In the room was a single computer open to his email address. He was placed in a chair. His fingers were nailed to the mouse and keyboard. In a computer lab miles away, thousands of people set him emails bout great coupons they found online, and funny videos they saw. He opened every single email. Every single email link was a link to Astley’s original Hymns. He knew that this had to be done. He was destined to do be sacrificed for all of man’s sin,that is or ever was. That day over forty-eight million emails were sent to him, and he opened all but 6. He was executed by rick rolling. Astletarians cried that day. What was done had to be done for all of salvation. Astley had a child whom was also him. He then prophesized his own death. And then died for our sins. He died for our sins so he could save us…. From himself….. WTH

Hymn 7: Song of Ending

We’re no strangers to love 
You know the rules and so do I 
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of 
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy 
I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling 
Gotta make you understand 

CHORUS 
Never gonna give you up, 
Never gonna let you down 
Never gonna run around and desert you 
Never gonna make you cry, 
Never gonna say goodbye 
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you 
We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it 
And if you ask me how I’m feeling 
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see (CHORUS

CHORUSCHORUS 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 
(Ooh) never gonna give, never gonna give 
(give you up) 

We’ve known each other for so long 
Your heart’s been aching but you’re too shy to say it 
Inside we both know what’s been going on 
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

The Church of Astletarianism

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